"but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. against such things there is no law."
galatians5//22-23
Thursday, May 31, 2007
betrauern
I was considering copying and pasting last night's email to Tehillah, but it's so forced and stilted I can't bear it.
Everything hurts. I don't know why I'm so upset. I didn't even know Mrs. Harris that well -- she was never my teacher and I only ever saw her once or twice in the past year, but every time I saw her, she was wonderful and welcoming and...
Our chaplain's wife died the night before last. Going to work is going to be hell and I don't want to cope with it. So I'm going to school beforehand and hopefully that will help me get used to it before I have to be a big girl and grown up about it all.
Did not have a good night's sleep last night.
Sorry for huge depressive stage.
Edit: I forgot that some people weren't sent the email *thwaps self over head* -- pretty please for Mr. Harris, Sophie (who's 8) and Mrs Harris' class at school. And all the teachers and students too. And the counsellors who are booked like crazy.
In uni library. Printing stuff off and downloading lectures. This weekend's going to be absolutely crazy, but I'll get through it and it will be FUN!
Praise Day Out tomorrow -- gonna be at church at 10 for worship practice, then locking myself up in a room to do a bit of study before Praise Day Out itself starts. Then choir and yf! I'm kinda grateful that we don't have Bible study because I don't know when I'd find the time to do it.
Testimony night! I'm so excited it's not funny. Bringing food for munching on and doing P&W at the start! EEEEEK!
Working tonight (or rather, this afternoon) and then going home to eat dinner, then bake up a storm. I followed Lynn and Ann to uni today (they get Fridays off, lucky ducks, but were going to Civic for brekky), so I'll hopefully do my angel notes at their house before going to work. Oh, and have to do chores too tonight because there is no way I'm waking up at 7 to do them tomorrow morning. ARGH.
So busy busy busy. And beaucoup de French tests/assessments in the next two weeks. How fun. Too bad they're only worth some miniscule amount each.
I was supposed to email people today too. Oh well. Will send quick note off to Jess and Yuka and then will be off to class. *shakes fist angrily at Chinese*
Warning: Emo-ness coming up. Disregard, please. This is all because Matt wants me to update.
I think I've just been described as scheming and manipulative. Which I so agree with, but when you tack a nasty name at the end, I don't know if I like it anymore. Like, this is the way I do things. I watch and listen and find out how I can tweak things so it all falls into place without me having to visibly lift a finger, or do anything that's overly open. Right? Blah. If you have a problem with me and want to stop being friends, leave. Because at the moment, I really can't be stuffed caring about what you think and about pleasing others. Urgh. Eye spasm.
There are two type of comfort eating. The conscious one -- where you go "Life sucks. Chocolate/icecream/cake/sweets will make it all better. Gimme some now, or I will bite your head off and hex you into next week." and then there's the subconscious one -- where you find yourself reaching for food, telling yourself off for it and reaching for more, where you don't realise it until afterwards where you feel like some round ball of fat. It's come to a stage where I can feel the oil on my face and the fat slowly draining into my thighs.
There's this voice in my head. And it won't go away. And it doesn't even matter anymore how much you, or anyone else tells me I'm pretty and beautiful and wanted. Because the voice is there and it's here to stay.
It's been one of those weeks/months/years. And if I didn't know that I had the propensity to be whiny, vaguely depressed, and broody (year 3, anyone?), I'd be worried. But I'm not. So I'm just going to wait this one out and see what happens afterwards.
I want school. I want German. I want to read. I want Mr. Darcy. I want fluffy doonas and pillows. I want time to go online and talk to my friends who I've been neglecting lately. I want Vivian to cry with. I want to watch Pride and Prejudice and North and South. I want to eat and not worry about my weight, or fat, or metabolism. I want to stay in bed all day and pretend that everything's alright. I want uni to disappear and stop taking away things I love. I want the good things that happen not to be marred by the bad. I want to stop screwing things up. I want to have been born with a happy disposition, not a pessimistic, doubting one. I want to run away and never come back. I want to be able to cry it all out. I want peace. I want quiet. I WANT YOU.
*laughs at self* On the plus side -- 1 month to birthday! Which means I need to start thinking of presents. *eye twitches some more* Which means 1 month to exams. Which means I should go study. *holds eye still*
Vivian is absolutely gushy beyond belief about this movie and when she compared it to Pride and Prejudice, I thought "No way". But then I watched this clip [CAUTION SPOILER!] and absolutely loved it. Mr. Thornton is no Mr. Darcy, but still... he's awesome in his own way. [/gush]
It's from the miniseries of the book, North and South, if any of you were wondering.
Your eyes are full Full of the future of us The air changes as you look across At me in that wondering way
It is as if I knew you before we spoke Do our hearts know something we don't? Conspiring, converging without giving us any say
You, sing me to sleep Talk down my walls Look through my windows as I wait You could be the thief I give the key to
You're ruining me With secrets and gestures and looks With sonnets from second-hand books Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play
It fits in your hand like water in rain It unlocks our two different selves And shows we are the same Rather than wait 'til I put me out for the taking You're breaking into my heart And I'm letting you
Today was a good day. Yesterday had its ups and downs, but today, today was almost perfect.
You are a very innocent and pure person. Ethics matter to you. Your friends consider you a great listener, and you often play therapist to your friends. You are good at drawing out truths in conversation, however painful they may be. Non judgmental and patient - people feel like they can tell you anything!
AST -- sets you up for a lifetime of convincing people to believe something you yourself don't believe. No, seriously, I'm doing my French homework and I'm thinking "this is the biggest load I've ever written, including whatever I spent 4 years writing in RaP. Oh well."
Why do they teach you to lie? Why is it considered a skill? Why aren't I sleeping?
Yvonne a.k.a. Von, Mum, Che [姐](Dot), Dada[大大] (Dan), Vonnie, Yv (Ling), Vonnles (which is how Trudy spells it), Vonnals (which is how Jasmine spells it), Von Bon (Ann), Bon Bon (my grandma), Mommy (Nick, who is not very subtle with his hinting), ィヴォン, ボンボンちゃん
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, in your name I will lift up my hands
psalm63.1-4
:: brown hair :: brown eyes :: asian skin :: asian eyes :: asian glasses :: short :: short :: short :: shy :: paranoid :: noisy :: bouncy when i want to be :: gullible :: procrastinator :: perfectionist :: maker-of-dodgy-cookies :: writer-of-dodgy-songs :: dodgy-singer-of-good-songs :: eater-of-almost-everything :: reader-of-almost-everything :: writer-of-almost-nothing :: daughter :: big sister :: little sister :: mum :: friend :: doll ::
