"but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. against such things there is no law."
galatians5//22-23 |
| Sunday, May 13, 2007 |
| jammern |
Warning: Emo-ness coming up. Disregard, please. This is all because Matt wants me to update.
I think I've just been described as scheming and manipulative. Which I so agree with, but when you tack a nasty name at the end, I don't know if I like it anymore. Like, this is the way I do things. I watch and listen and find out how I can tweak things so it all falls into place without me having to visibly lift a finger, or do anything that's overly open. Right? Blah. If you have a problem with me and want to stop being friends, leave. Because at the moment, I really can't be stuffed caring about what you think and about pleasing others. Urgh. Eye spasm.
There are two type of comfort eating. The conscious one -- where you go "Life sucks. Chocolate/icecream/cake/sweets will make it all better. Gimme some now, or I will bite your head off and hex you into next week." and then there's the subconscious one -- where you find yourself reaching for food, telling yourself off for it and reaching for more, where you don't realise it until afterwards where you feel like some round ball of fat. It's come to a stage where I can feel the oil on my face and the fat slowly draining into my thighs.
There's this voice in my head. And it won't go away. And it doesn't even matter anymore how much you, or anyone else tells me I'm pretty and beautiful and wanted. Because the voice is there and it's here to stay.
It's been one of those weeks/months/years. And if I didn't know that I had the propensity to be whiny, vaguely depressed, and broody (year 3, anyone?), I'd be worried. But I'm not. So I'm just going to wait this one out and see what happens afterwards.
I want school. I want German. I want to read. I want Mr. Darcy. I want fluffy doonas and pillows. I want time to go online and talk to my friends who I've been neglecting lately. I want Vivian to cry with. I want to watch Pride and Prejudice and North and South. I want to eat and not worry about my weight, or fat, or metabolism. I want to stay in bed all day and pretend that everything's alright. I want uni to disappear and stop taking away things I love. I want the good things that happen not to be marred by the bad. I want to stop screwing things up. I want to have been born with a happy disposition, not a pessimistic, doubting one. I want to run away and never come back. I want to be able to cry it all out. I want peace. I want quiet. I WANT YOU.
*laughs at self* On the plus side -- 1 month to birthday! Which means I need to start thinking of presents. *eye twitches some more* Which means 1 month to exams. Which means I should go study. *holds eye still*
Labels: whinge |
posted by vonbon @ 8:28 pm  |
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Yvonne a.k.a. Von, Mum, Che [姐](Dot), Dada[大大] (Dan), Vonnie, Yv (Ling), Vonnles (which is how Trudy spells it), Vonnals (which is how Jasmine spells it), Von Bon (Ann), Bon Bon (my grandma), Mommy (Nick, who is not very subtle with his hinting), ィヴォン, ボンボンちゃん
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, in your name I will lift up my hands
psalm63.1-4
:: brown hair :: brown eyes :: asian skin :: asian eyes :: asian glasses :: short :: short :: short :: shy :: paranoid :: noisy :: bouncy when i want to be :: gullible :: procrastinator :: perfectionist :: maker-of-dodgy-cookies :: writer-of-dodgy-songs :: dodgy-singer-of-good-songs :: eater-of-almost-everything :: reader-of-almost-everything :: writer-of-almost-nothing :: daughter :: big sister :: little sister :: mum :: friend :: doll ::
| le futur |
:: saturday the 11th ::
5pm.choir
7pm.yf
:: sunday the 12th ::
joyce's birthday
9am.church
11.30am.joyce's birthday lunch
3pm.lulu's choir recital
:: monday the 13th ::
3pm.working
:: wednesday the 15th ::
6pm.work meeting
:: thursday the 16th ::
linguistics transcription assignment due.
:: friday the 17th ::
french writing exercice #2 due.
international ball.
40h famine.
:: saturday the 18th ::
40h famine.
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| les langues |
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| la lecture |
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| bavarder |
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| les copains |
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| je vous promis |
- Spend a considerable amount of time with God every day
- No swearing
- Exercise at least 3 times a week
- Von-time for reflection every month -- analyse how I react to things and people, how close I'm getting to people, etc.
- No lying
- Be more joyful and caring
- Be less selfish
- Be more subtle
- Be more conscientious with money
- Get a job
- Keep said job
- Keep in touch with grammar girls
- Join a gym
- Speak Canto with Lynn
- Speak French with Nay
- Don't lose my languages
- Save up money to visit Rach in America
- Keep up piano
- Spend less time on the internet
- Coffee with Meera and Lynn once a month if Meera's in Canberra
- Looooong walks with Lynn
- Be sensible -- set boundaries and don’t break them
- Be a better daughter
- Keep in touch with (and visit) Mutsumi
- Start reading again
- Finish Emma and Mansfield Park
- Read a Shakespeare play
- Journal more frequently
- Consider keeping a written journal
- Don't depend so much on other people
- Make time for Lynn, Meera and Nay
- Keep in touch with Grammar people -- esp. Lulu and Claire
- Weekly/monthly Grammar coffees
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| l'imparfait |
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| the ghost of christmas past... |
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| grâce à ... |
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